Your house is about to get very quiet, and the dinner table will be set for two, rather than five. Your last kid is going off to college, and it feels very surreal. The last 2+ decades of your life have been centered around your kids’ comings and goings. A huge part of your identity has been your role as a parent, so much so that you’re not sure what you will do when your youngest is gone. Who will you be?
You’ve invested so much time, energy, sweat and tears raising your children to be independent, productive adults! It’s normal to be at graduation feeling a swirl of different emotions; you feel tremendous pride and happiness watching your child reach this milestone, but also profound sadness, loss & anxiety can come into the picture as well. You knew this moment would arrive, but may be wondering where the time has gone. It seems like only yesterday that you were singing lullabies and swaddling your babies in their blankets.
Although the term “empty nest” is commonly used, it is not my favorite. I find it to be a negative way of viewing this new phase in one’s life. Just to reframe a bit- as much as the launching of your children can feel quite difficult emotionally, it can also be an exciting time, when there are countless opportunities for new growth. Suddenly there is time to try that dance class, write that novel, or take that trip to Thailand that you and your spouse have been dreaming about all these years. In a sense, life becomes a new frontier of possibility, and you can reinvent yourself in ways you might never have considered before this moment. You can also view this new chapter as a gift to your marriage; being able to nurture your relationship by spending quality, uninterrupted time together will ultimately strengthen your connection and intimacy as a couple!
It may take quite some time before you are able to get your bearings in this new frontier. So in the meantime, here are a few suggestions to help ease this transition as you launch your last child:
- Honor your feelings as they surface. Give yourself time to process this huge transition and all the feelings that come along with it.
- Share your feelings with close friends, family, and community. It is important that you do not isolate yourself from others, as this can be a lonely time. You can seek out the support of an individual therapist ( like me!) who can be a valuable resource for you as you navigate this major change. Together we can talk about:
- Discuss these questions with your spouse or partner:
- Be patient with yourself as you redefine your goals and roles. Remember this is unchartered territory and everyone travels this course in their own time and in their own way. Avoid comparing your transition with others.
- Trust that you have done your job to the best of your ability, and that your kids have the tools they need to be successful!
What do I want more of in my life?
What makes me feel happy? Fulfilled?
What did I enjoy doing (pre-kids) that I might want to return to?
What role do I presently have that I might want to expand?
What expectations do we have for our relationship as we move into this new phase of our life?
What new/ favorite activities are we excited about trying together?
What can we plan right now that will get us excited for the future?
What makes us feel connected to each other, and how do we create more of that feeling in our daily lives?
In closing, I want to offer you this inspirational quote from Madeline Levine, a New York Times columnist:
“Gracefully and gradually, we must eventually give up our front and center position in their lives, learn to be quieter, to give fewer answers and to ask more questions. Our children’s independence is a reminder of how much we had to give and all that we have accomplished. It is a pleasure to remember that it is not a form of abandonment but an expression of a job well done — and is something to keep in mind as we move back into the center of our own lives, in ways that will make our children proud.”